How to Ruin a Perfect Date

I listen to women all.day.long. I work on a bank of desks with three single women and I also have eight sisters. I literally listen to women all.day.long. And the one thing I've listened to them most talk about all day long? Men. Or, more specifically, the poor men from last night’s dates that they’re currently dissecting piece by piece.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t join in…okay I’ll be really honest, it’s normally me that starts the conversation but sometimes I do wonder if some of these hapless gents have a clue what she really thought when they offered to pay for last night's drinks...or didn't offer to pay…or didn't offer in the right way…or offered to pay too much... Or how that joke about *insert inappropriate lad topic here* really landed, despite her raucous “laughter” (that's the sound of her faking it - take note)

Gentlemen, these are tips derived from genuine conversations I've had with the female kind:

1. Don’t stand too far away during any verbal interaction. You appear disinterested and, of course, this means you've noticed her spot and/or the chewing gum hasn't worked and her dress is hideous. Oh and obviously standing too far away means you’re sneaky and have something to hide and that’ll definitely come into play further down the line. Basically you’re clearly going to cheat.

2. Don’t stand too close! That’s intimidating! What, do you have an inferiority complex or something? Do you feel that you need to assert your masculinity over her? You are definitely arrogant.

3. Why have you taken her somewhere that’s empty? Just because it’s a Tinder date, doesn't mean you can hide her in the corner of a dive bar. Jeez...

4. Don’t take her to a bar that’s rammed with people or you won’t be able to hear each other! Don’t you care about what she has to say?! At all?!

5. Don’t talk about how much money you make. You’re dealing with 21^st century women here, they’re making it too so it’s not that impressive.

6. No don’t tell her that you’re broke! If you tell a date you have no money it’s definitely a thinly veiled prompt for her to pay. Duh!

7. Maybe just stop talking.

8. A kiss on the first date is great - Carrie Bradshaw says so. You’re definitely going to get a kiss tonight so stay away from garlic and chocolate breath.

9. It’s really suspicious that you’re not eating certain things on this date. Are you fussy? Because that’s really unattractive. Or are you presuming that she’s easy?

10. The kiss of death. It’s real. Practice on a pillow. Practice on a mirror! Just...practice.

11. But remember not to practice too much or she’ll think you've kissed a lot of girls and now you've made her insecure. 

12. Never, never lunge

13. So you lunged. Great. It’s pretty hard to get back from an awful kiss so no it’s not appropriate to ask if she wants to come upstairs. Even if it really is to see the primary school photo you both had such a laugh about earlier. She doesn't care and she’s long forgotten that inside joke because it’s the middle of the afternoon, you've already humiliated her and yourself and she has a bus to catch. Just walk away.

14. Oh god don’t walk away too fast! Everybody on the street has seen that kiss and now they’re going to think you’re running away because of her! She could have dealt with the bad kiss maybe but this is too much. Well you’re definitely not getting a second date but you are forever going to be known as “bad kiss guy”. Congratulations on your new AKA.

15. Don’t wear a Gillet.

16. Do wear a Gillet; Gillets are cute!

17. Gillets are something a farmer wears. Or a grandfather.

18. No Gillets are good for men with big arms!

19. This guy doesn’t have big arms

20. Don’t wear a Gillet.

21. You’re getting it wrong. All of it. Just go home.