Secret Bitches and Great White Grinners: surviving passive aggression around the office

Working in an office has turned me into such a secret bitch. When I was younger I used to think the world could be put to rights (and the two faced people in my life put to shame) by talking to people face to face about a problem instead of bitching about them behind their back. Ha! Age, and the fact that I've now been working in a fashion retail company for over two years, has taught me that this was nothing more than childish naivety.

It’s hilarious, really, that we do spend so long on formalities during email conversations. It’s quite obvious that I’m annoyed with you and I’m clearly going to be smug that it wasn't at all my fault that everything is now severely fucked up. I hope one day I can work in a company where it’s appropriate to construct emails using just subtext, and disregard formalities altogether. Sure there’d arguments but wouldn't this email be more fun to send?

Though there’s nothing better than somebody trying to start some sass, in an attempt to highlight incompetence on your part, and being able to send this response…

…it is important to remember that this tactic should be used sparingly. Pinging off too many shirty emails then attempting to ignore awkwardness by smiling and waving at the recipient in the foyer will only be greeted by hostility and one finger salutes. Unless, of course, the recipient is a secret bitch themselves in which case it’s perfectly normal, and acceptable, to engage in polite conversation about the weather before returning back to your PC armour for another round of email volleying.

Beware, readers, of those golden “team players” who will refuse to engage in this battle. These are the sharks in the office water. Cleverly masked as that caring person who pretends to think everyone should just get along, these Great Whites (I like to call them Great White Grinners) will always bide their time, circling a cowardly bitch and waiting for the right moment to strike; the perfect email to clench in their jaws and before you've even had time to relax your facial muscles out of that smug smile after hitting send, there they are with a prefixed grin asking you

With that one sentence you've immediately been cast in the role of the spoiled child who can’t handle a face-to-face conflict and it’s super hard to shake that Scarlet A.

One must always remember that an email is not an invisible force field and will not, should the moment come, protect you from an angry co-worker (or a Great White Grinner) appearing at your desk and whisking you off to a meeting room for a “let’s talk about it professionally” pow wow which is basically code for “it's time to assert some real power! I’m going to be the bigger person and ask that we talk this out".  You have not scared them, nor have you earned their respect, so you should fully expect to walk out of the room having had a pint of shame poured slowly and lovingly over your head.

In office politics this, my friends, is known as 'Checkmate'.