How to Win a Sample Sale War

With my crotch pressed firmly against an HR Advisor’s backside, the screams of pent up frustration filling the air and a plethora of arms and legs flying at each other in rage, I grab blindly at anything I can see and wonder if there isn't a more intense moment in life than this. But this isn’t a scene from an even more poorly written Mr Grey story. This is real life. This is a real war. This is a sample sale.

Remember the episode in Friends where the girls go to the wedding dress sample sale? Well when I say sample sale you may be thinking of that. But you’d be wrong. For starters, there’s only one fight. And how hilarious to think you can approach a sample sale with a method; if they tried that shit with one of ours I’d be like, “Monica, babes, save your breath, save your energy. Ain’t nobody got time for whistles”

Should you be facing your first sample sale, be it work or a high street store, take note of the below and you’ll be the Napoleon of 50p bargain hunts in no time. See you in there!

Except you won't see me in there because if I lose a tug of war over a Moleskin diary due to your insistence on waving at me, shit will go down.

“There’s no I in team. We can do it if we stick together!”
HA! NO. IT’S EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD FOR THEMSELVES. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TALK TO YOUR FRIEND MIDWAY OR I WILL THROW YOU OVER THE NEAREST BOX OF CHRISTMAS CARDS.

“Dignity, always dignity”
What the fuck is dignity? This is no time for pride! This is no time to worry about what you look like to your colleagues! You start worrying about that and the nearest lurker will swoop on that nice pair of mis-matching Brogues you’re taking an age to mull over. Don’t bother doing your hair that day. It’s going to get ripped out anyway.

“Take your time; slow and steady wins the race”
Nope. It’s a smash and grab situation here, people. Take everything your arms can carry, hook a few dresses over your forearm and then get a friend to pile on some more. Think less “Victoria Beckham takes Harper for casual stroll through Burberry” and more “Mother of six goes nuts in an Asda Black Friday price slash” Once you’ve picked up everything that remotely caught your eye, take yourself off to a corner and rummage through your hoard like Golem.  Feeling like a monster? See above.

“You never know if you never try”
Listen, I once witnessed a grown man cowering in the corner of a photography room with his eyes darting about wildly as he wondered how the hell he was going to get out from underneath the mass of clothes that had been vetoed in a cull. Okay, I’ll admit, I only noticed him because I realised my “no” pile had grown two shaking arms and a pair of teary eyes but my point is that if you don’t think you can handle it; do everyone a favour and take that “never try” option. Some of us rely on this for extra cardio.

“Less is more”

Oh don’t be ridiculous, no it is not. If somebody offered you a wheelbarrow full of cash you wouldn’t say “oh no, knock a couple of grand off so I don’t look as needy” You’re paying 50p for a pair of shoes; £1 for a jacket currently sat on a shop floor at £39.99; you’re paying 2p for a pink phone case with a cat wearing sunglasses! Somebody’s going to want that! Of course you can pull off a size XL tweed blazer, just wear it “oversized” around the Northern Quarter or Shoreditch and you’ll be serving 80s realness for days! You’re set for shit-but-pricey presents until the end of the year so just throw the lot in a bag and sort it out when you get home. Don’t be selfish: there’s folks living on the street out there who would kill for a glittery Jesus money box and yes, I genuinely bought that.

How to Ruin a Perfect Date

I listen to women all.day.long. I work on a bank of desks with three single women and I also have eight sisters. I literally listen to women all.day.long. And the one thing I've listened to them most talk about all day long? Men. Or, more specifically, the poor men from last night’s dates that they’re currently dissecting piece by piece.

I’m not going to sit here and pretend I don’t join in…okay I’ll be really honest, it’s normally me that starts the conversation but sometimes I do wonder if some of these hapless gents have a clue what she really thought when they offered to pay for last night's drinks...or didn't offer to pay…or didn't offer in the right way…or offered to pay too much... Or how that joke about *insert inappropriate lad topic here* really landed, despite her raucous “laughter” (that's the sound of her faking it - take note)

Gentlemen, these are tips derived from genuine conversations I've had with the female kind:

1. Don’t stand too far away during any verbal interaction. You appear disinterested and, of course, this means you've noticed her spot and/or the chewing gum hasn't worked and her dress is hideous. Oh and obviously standing too far away means you’re sneaky and have something to hide and that’ll definitely come into play further down the line. Basically you’re clearly going to cheat.

2. Don’t stand too close! That’s intimidating! What, do you have an inferiority complex or something? Do you feel that you need to assert your masculinity over her? You are definitely arrogant.

3. Why have you taken her somewhere that’s empty? Just because it’s a Tinder date, doesn't mean you can hide her in the corner of a dive bar. Jeez...

4. Don’t take her to a bar that’s rammed with people or you won’t be able to hear each other! Don’t you care about what she has to say?! At all?!

5. Don’t talk about how much money you make. You’re dealing with 21^st century women here, they’re making it too so it’s not that impressive.

6. No don’t tell her that you’re broke! If you tell a date you have no money it’s definitely a thinly veiled prompt for her to pay. Duh!

7. Maybe just stop talking.

8. A kiss on the first date is great - Carrie Bradshaw says so. You’re definitely going to get a kiss tonight so stay away from garlic and chocolate breath.

9. It’s really suspicious that you’re not eating certain things on this date. Are you fussy? Because that’s really unattractive. Or are you presuming that she’s easy?

10. The kiss of death. It’s real. Practice on a pillow. Practice on a mirror! Just...practice.

11. But remember not to practice too much or she’ll think you've kissed a lot of girls and now you've made her insecure. 

12. Never, never lunge

13. So you lunged. Great. It’s pretty hard to get back from an awful kiss so no it’s not appropriate to ask if she wants to come upstairs. Even if it really is to see the primary school photo you both had such a laugh about earlier. She doesn't care and she’s long forgotten that inside joke because it’s the middle of the afternoon, you've already humiliated her and yourself and she has a bus to catch. Just walk away.

14. Oh god don’t walk away too fast! Everybody on the street has seen that kiss and now they’re going to think you’re running away because of her! She could have dealt with the bad kiss maybe but this is too much. Well you’re definitely not getting a second date but you are forever going to be known as “bad kiss guy”. Congratulations on your new AKA.

15. Don’t wear a Gillet.

16. Do wear a Gillet; Gillets are cute!

17. Gillets are something a farmer wears. Or a grandfather.

18. No Gillets are good for men with big arms!

19. This guy doesn’t have big arms

20. Don’t wear a Gillet.

21. You’re getting it wrong. All of it. Just go home.