The Trouble with Travel

There are, at least, three babies teetering on the edge of screaming, two arrogant teenagers to the side of me talking slang that I'm still yet to understand, I have Aldi pasta salad all over my shirt and some woman's sparkling water all over my crotch. Guess where I am? 

Sitting on the 6.10pm Megabus down to London, that inexplicably takes four and a half hours when I've bombed down the M6 all the way to Kent in about that time, I'm faced with the inevitable question: whatever happened to travelling in style? Where are the glam days of fabulous hard suitcase and Jackie O waving at the paps as she steps off the plane in a classic Chanel three-piece? For lack of a dry martini I've just munched through an entire bag of very dry (very plain) tortilla chips and considered that, as we're stuck with this shitty method of transportation because the rail prices are extortionate, these are the some of my own personal rules of carriage that are imperative to abide by:

1.    My knees are necessary. They help me walk. Push your fucking chair back upright or I'll jab both of them straight into your back. Dick. 

2.    Nobody likes the smell of fish on a packed coach. Not even people who like fish. Put...the sushi...down  

3.    No, no, we're not going to have a friendly chat about which musical you're going to see. I bloody love musicals and I'm not interested. What does that tell you? Face front; keep your mouth shut. 

4.    I have an eclectic music taste but I can't say I'm a life long fan of "kids' TV show background music" as a sub-genre. There's a reason Taylor Swift is yet to duet with Peppa Pig; put some headphones on your child because It's 2015 so you might as well get them used to It. 

5.   Nobody has enough stuff to vocalise for four hours that they can't write in a text or extensive email. You're not a lovesick 15 year old girl so there's absolutely no excuse, nor health benefit, for talking on your phone the entire way. 

6.   As above, why are you conducting business right now?! Clearly you're not the high-flying exec that you're trying to make us think you are or you'd be in the first class lounge of Gatwick right now, or at the very least the quiet coach of a Virgin Pendolino. We're all on a Megabus trying to forget the week so shut the fuck up. 

7.    You stink. Always wash before venturing on to a coach.

8.    In fact, just always wash! Before leaving the house!  

9.    Oh yes, look, we have indeed stopped at a service station! Do you remember the driver saying we could all get up and go for a fag break though? No, me neither. Do you remember him saying that we're just stopping for a driver change? Oh.my.god...me too! So sit down shut up and go back to Candy Crush, yeah?  

10.  We're in London now. Disappear into the crowd and if we happen to see each other on Oxford Street you are absolutely not permitted to look at, talk to, or approach me. See you on the return. 

 Oh and this one is for the drivers:

1.     You're not a comedian. The driver on the way down made the same joke. It's not funny to pretend we're all on the wrong coach. It's not funny to pretend the air con has broken. It's definitely not funny to say you're going to sell all of our lost property on Ebay to pay for your divorce: that's theft. Shut up and drive.